Sleep is not a luxury

Rested – Ready to manage your relationship?
When we mention sleep in a relationship the true meaning of sleep is often the last thing on our mind! Apparently it is a little known secret that sleep is critical, not just for beauty rest, but for plenty of health reasons, including ensuring that we have healthy personal relationships.

Take time to reflect
Sadly outside of the space of personal relationships it has become acceptable and even encouraged in business today to ‘stay busy’. When we disrupt our natural sleep cycles in favour of ‘getting more done,’ we actually become less effective. Typically, because we don’t take time to reflect on what is purposeful and important to us, such as our personal relationships, we often find ourselves doing things that are not really relevant to our own aims, goals and desires

Are some of you thinking, ‘what aims, goals and desires?’ There are an awful lot of people our there that have lost sight of what is truly important to them.

To-do lists good or bad?
As a writer I advocate ‘to-do list’ but I don’t advocate becoming addicted to them! For many they have become addicted to ‘to-do’ lists without holding a clear endgame goal in mind. This is energetically inefficient and physically draining. Often there is typically no passion in the relationship and thus it becomes no more than hard work instead of enjoyable. Issues also take much longer to address, when we are not focused.

De-valuing self-nurturance
Also, when the first flush of love and lust has gone from a relationship we tend to de-value self-nurturance, play, and creative relaxing pursuits, many people feel guilty or invalidated by those around them, when they attempt to live with more work vs. life balance.

Be courageous – create space
It takes courage and vision to create space in your life, so that you can stay healthy in spirit, mind and body. It takes courage to listen to your heart above the noise of the many distractions vying for your attention and money. It takes courage to work at building a relationship. And it will take courage and focused attention to slow down in the evening, early enough to get your mind and body prepared to go to sleep at a decent hour. On average, it is aid that we need at least 7 to 8 hours of sleep a night.

What are the benefits of sleep?
1. Improved memory: sleep helps to integrate learning and feelings. Greater focus and concentration improves with a good night’s sleep.

2. Stress reduction: sleep restores the body and mind and helps to balance well-being. When we are too stressed, it may be more difficult to sleep at night and this can become a vicious cycle. When we don’t get enough sleep, it makes it more difficult to deal with stress…..and let’s face it relationships can be stressful.

3. Bodily healing and rejuvenation: sleep reduces inflammation in the body. Chronic inflammation is associated with heart attack, stroke, premature aging, diabetes and arthritis

Don’t be short-sighted
Life is not a sprint, it is a long-distance journey. It is short-sighted to abuse your mind and body, as in the long run. Stress and lack of sleep not only makes you less productive, and less enjoyable to be around, it can accelerate the aging process and even contribute to other diseases. Be wise. Be courageous. Take good care of yourself and expand the vision for your life – with purpose.

Manage your time and relationships better
Sleep is not a luxury; is a means of rejuvenating your mind and body in readiness for the trials and tribulations that all relationships bring. So make sure that you get enough rest and relaxation time in order to be able to tackle any hurdles that you may face; to make your relationship stronger!

Too much lust and not enough sleep
The two main characters, Tillie and Robbie, in the novel “Soulmate”, a heartwarming tale of love, lust and psychology, had plenty of love, far too much lust and not enough sleep in their relationship as they worked hard to build their careers. Find out what happened to them; follow these two lovers as Tillie details the highs and lows of life and all that this taught them. Lessons on intelligence, false flattery, betrayal, injustice, deceit and the hardest lesson of all, the lesson of love; Was Pluto right do we only ever have one “Soulmate”?

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Decisions of the Heart….

Are you an emotional decision maker?
All of us make decisions – everyday, whether at home, work, just socializing or in our love life. Decisions of the heart; we are always told to make decisions based on fact. They call this informed decision making. But is it the right way to make decisions of the heart? Mastering the art of decision making is indeed a key skill to master.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming or NLP tells us that there are primarily four types of people:
• Kinaesthetic
• Visual
• Auditory
• Auditory Visual

The name Neuro-Linguistic Programming was invented in the early 1970’s as an attempt to describe in a succinct manner the scope of this extensive body of insights and skills:
• Neuro refers to how the mind and body interact
• Linguistic refers to the insights into a person’s thinking that can be obtained by careful attention to their use of language
• Programming refers, not to the activity of programming, but to the study of the thinking and behavioural patterns or ‘programmes’ which people use in their daily lives.

Dependant on what NLP category you are likely, (not always) but more often likely to make decisions based on:
• What you feel and sense and can physically touch
• What you can see
• What you can hear
• What details, facts and figures there are to help support your decision

The first two categories have strong ‘emotional needs’. Clearly the latter category makes decisions on less ‘emotion’.

Neuroscience
Although neuroscience has built a strong body of evidence over the years to demonstrate the inextricable link between reason, emotion and decision-making most of mainstream culture is still not on board with it.

There are some that still believe that women, especially, wear the mantle of “emotionality” and that these women still feel the need to compensate by subduing the expression of their feelings and thoughts. This surely cannot be healthy. There is nothing wrong in expressing a touch of emotion.

Although neuroscience has built a strong body of evidence over twenty-five years to demonstrate the inextricable link between reason, emotion and decision-making most of mainstream culture still doesn’t get it.

Reason over emotion
Mainstream thinking about reason over emotion is generally based on two assumptions:
1. That we have a “choice” whether to feel or not
2. That emotional “suppression” works.

Hooray!…
The brain does make decisions based on feeling
Research has found that there can be significant consequences when you try to push away thoughts and feelings; a ‘rebound’ effect. Simply put, these strategies often backfire and result in an increase of the intensity of the thoughts and emotions that are being suppressed.

In the book: “How we decide” by Jonah Lehrer; it the case that rationality depends on emotion. Motivation is driven by feeling, not intellect. Lehrer points out, “Emotion and motivation share the same Latin root, movere, which means to move. The world is full of things and it is our feelings that help us choose among them.”

Avoiding analysis-paralysis
Many of us try to rule out the emotional side of decision-making only to find we become stuck in so-called analysis-paralysis. We often avoid making decisions or make them hastily because we want to skip the feeling part, not only unavoidable, it’s short-sighted.

There continues to be a protracted controversy over reason and intuition, which is another version of the ancient reason over emotion battle. Lehrer makes the critical point that our emotional brains are deeply empirical and that every time you make a mistake or encounter something new, your brain cells are busy changing themselves. Emotions are profoundly smart and constantly learning, they are not simply animal instincts that must be tamed.

Balancing 7 + 2
What is known as the “7 plus or minus 2” rule is based on the research that short-term memory capacity varies from being able to hold between 4 and 9 bits of information at one time. When faced with too many variables, the brain simply makes the wrong decision because its resources are overburdened.

The Chunking Principle:
• Chunking is a principle that applies to the effective communication of information between human beings.
• It is particularly useful in the domain of written communication.
• It was first put forward in the 1950s by George A. Miller.
• Miller studied the short term memory.

In 1952, George A. Miller published a paper titled:
“The Magical Number Seven; Plus or Minus Two”
Today chunking is a term used in NLP to describe the process of grouping items into larger or smaller groups (or “chunks”) Chunking helps you to organise your thinking in order to better handle information and make decisions. So you need to make sure that you can optimize your decision-making process but not taking on too much.

Left and right brains
You have to build capacity in both your left and right brains; in other words the rational and the emotional. They are magically interlinked to ensure that we maximize the understanding of the world around us and the world within ourselves.

Decisions of the heart….
And remember……. Emotions and feelings are not a luxury; they are a means of communicating our states of mind to others. But they are also a way of guiding our own judgments and decisions. Emotions bring the body into the loop of reason. So if you make decisions of the heart, ‘with emotion’ then be sure to give yourself a pat on the back!

Are you making decisions of the heart in your relationship?
The main character Tillie, in the novel “Soulmate”, a heartwarming tale of love, lust and psychology, made to when she fell in love with Robbie. She had to decide whether or not he was her “Soulmate. Was Robbie her one true “Soulmate”?……Follow Tillie as she details the highs and lows of life, when trying to decide who her “Soulmate” really is and all that this taught her. Lessons on intelligence, false flattery, betrayal, injustice, deceit and the hardest lesson of all, the lesson of love; Was Pluto right do we only ever have one “Soulmate”?

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Beauty of knowledge

How well do you know the people around you….your soulmate…….
It is said…..
– That we are all masters of our own destiny
– That love is blind
– That beauty is only skin deep
Don’t be blinded by your lack of everyday knowledge of them and life; show your true beauty by expanding your knowledge, and by doing so make yourself more interesting…..more attractive!

Knowledge is an acquired quality
How many times in your life have you regretted that you did not know enough, have not read more to show your intelligence and enhance your image and confidence in a conversation or situation with your hearts desire? It happens to the best of us; however how many of us become determined to educate ourselves, to be wittier, better informed, and faster thinking.

Knowledge is an acquired quality – it is not inborn.

You choose
The choice to be educated or not, to be on top of things, is always ours to create and make. Some people make it earlier, some make it later, and sadly some don’t make it at all. Yet, let us be honest about it and admit it, if only to ourselves, there is no better reason for self-content and pride, than the feeling that you can carry on an interesting or important conversation, operate and utilise the facts, understand your soulmate, and stand steadfast on your own.

The beauty of knowledge
Intelligence is a chosen path for those who appreciate the importance and beauty of this personal skill. It becomes a part of who you are, the image you project to the world, an inalienable ingredient of your own self-perception. Obtaining knowledge is a matter of choice and, in fact, a simple thing to acquire, when you have made your decision to acquire it, committed to it and, once commenced, you never abandon the process.

Here are some simple steps to you get started:

Tip 1: Have a relationship ‘vision’ and stay focused
Whatever relationship situation you are in have a ‘vision’ as to what you personally want to achieve from it and equally important stay focussed on that vision. Take in and absorb all the information and process it. Try to analyse it yourself and make your own decisions. When talking on a subject, do not lose the topic; rather, stay on it until you have finished or the discussion is over, or at the very least agreed an outcome. This will help you to consolidate your thoughts and allow your soulmate to come up with any comments or arguments unencumbered.

A focused mind is able to expand and store new information more effectively.

Tip 2: Be mentally active
Have the brightest mind. People like people with bright minds. This is a matter of personal choice, whether you are an avid stamp collector; love reading or are a film buff, train and exercise your brain, every day. Remember the smallest details of a conversation or task and analyse the ideas, complexity and outcomes.

Tip 3: Stimulate your brain
Load your mind with analysis and decision-making even in simple everyday situations. Take an unusual task to resolve, stay on it, and celebrate the results that will follow. The satisfaction you will experience will be very rewarding. Our mind needs a constant challenge to stay on top of the game. The routines we are accustomed to at work do not do the job. Challenge your brain with cross words, puzzles and games, like Sudoku or chess, etc.

Tip 4: Get trained, get a coach or a mentor
There comes a time in everybody’s development when they need support to improve their knowledge. This is perfectly normally and when that time arrives should not be ignored, as this is the time when many people reach their peak and will not develop further without training or the wise advice and support of a coach or mentor. Everybody, not matter what level they are in their world needs a mentor.

If this is you….seek training and support now!

Tip 5: Be your own master – make your own decisions
There is nothing wrong with seeking an advice. But doing it on a regular basis might be damaging for your mind, self-growth, and ability to make your own decisions based on your own analysis. Face the challenge by yourself and only after the decision has been made, bring it to the table for a discussion…… if you want to. Stand by your decision and defend your point of view. Even if you lost and opted for another solution, you have just acquired a priceless experience and your brain has gone through a very good and useful exercise.

Tip 6: Read, read and read
If you are reading this blog then well done! Stay informed on the latest happenings in the world, expand your vocabulary, stimulate your brain with the masterpieces of world literature, enrich your erudition, and put it to use whenever you have an opportunity. Reading good books is a rewarding way to expand your knowledge, boost your intelligence and please your heart and soul. Good books stay with you forever, and once in a while, as you go through life, you return to them. And guess what – it is amazing how your perception changes as you read the old book anew! You know why? Because you have changed, and the ways you perceive and analyse information will have been modified as well.

Positive outcomes
Last but not least. Obtaining greater knowledge helps you enjoy your times with yourself. Consequently, it boosts your self-esteem and you acquire a great new relationship partner …. your improved knowledgeable self. And what can be better than being content with who you are, the way you…….a more intelligent you!

Are you in a intelligent relationship?
The main character Tillie, in the novel “Soulmate”, a heartwarming tale of love, lust and psychology, fell in love with Robbie primarily because of his intelligence…..But was intelligence enough to make their love last………was Robbie her one true “Soulmate”?……Follow Tillie as she details the highs and lows of life, when trying to find her “Soulmate” and all that this taught her. Lessons on intelligence, false flattery, betrayal, injustice, deceit and the hardest lesson of all, the lesson of love; Was Pluto right do we only ever have one “Soulmate”?

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Sweet ‘n’ Sensual Chocolate

Yummy, sensual chocolate…..
So Easter is over for another year and for many who have eaten their body weight in chocolate they are already in mourning for the sweet sensual sensation of chocolate! Frankly there is nothing quite like chocolate because for most chocoholics chocolate screams “eat me, eat me”…..whilst subconsciously whispering sweet promises of its rich creamy taste, soft velvety texture and power to bring a smile to your face.

Is it any wonder that chocolate has become the go to gift whether for families, friends, business or lovers, for events and conferences and for sharing with those you live and network with. Chocolate is both the body’s enemy and for some the wonder drug of the 21st century. Chocolate even contains a compound closely related to the active ingredient in marijuana! Far from being just milk, sugar and cocoa, chocolate has over 300 compounds that can boost your mood, energy and libido.

• Caffeine – the most popular psychoactive drug in the world. Caffeine stimulates the nervous system by affecting two chemicals called dopamine and adenosine. By increasing dopamine it stimulates our reward system, triggering the release of pleasurable chemicals and motivating us to repeat this activity again. By making the body less sensitive to adenosine, it speeds up neural activity and triggers the release of extra energy.

• Endorphins – give us that feeling of euphoria or elation as well as reducing feelings of pain and stress.

• Serotonin – known as an anti-depressant, Serotonin plays a big role in regulating your mood. Tryptophan (found in chocolate) is one of the chemicals triggering the release of Serotonin.

• Flavonoids (an antioxidant) – claimed to help prevent cancers, protect blood vessels, promote cardiac health, and counteract high blood pressure. The highest concentrations are found in high cocoa content chocolate and raw cacao. Raw cacao in particular has many health benefits, containing vital vitamins and minerals including magnesium, calcium, vitamins E and B and essential healthy fats (oleic acid).

• Phenylethylamine or PEA – promotes feelings of attraction, excitement and nervousness. PEA is also created in the brain and released when we are in love so it’s no wonder that chocolate has become synonymous with romance and being the way to a woman’s heart.

The sweet, sensual sensation of chocolate plays a part in “Soulmate” when the main character, Tillie shares a walnut whip with her lover. So at the end of the day chocolate, we’ve ended up at one of life’s biggest lessons; happiness is not so much in having as sharing, whether it’s with family, friends, or lovers; as Tillie discovered when she shared her walnut whip with her lover! We may experience pleasure from what we accumulate and consume, but we make our lives meaningful by what we give. ……..

Does your Soulmate want a walnut whip? Tilly’s soulmate wanted a walnut whip! Find out where and when by reading her story in “Soulmate”, a novel about love, lust and psychology!

“Soulmate” gets into the mind of Tillie as she details the highs and lows of life, when trying to find her “Soulmate” and all that this taught her. Lessons on false flattery, betrayal, injustice, deceit and the hardest lesson of all, the lesson of love; Was Pluto right do we only ever have one “Soulmate”?

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Givers & Takers

Is your soulmate a “giver” or a “taker”?
As a general rule of thumb it is said that it is better to give than to receive; this ethos presumably supports the notion that we all follow the principal of treating others as you would wish to be treated ourselves.

Within my novel “Soulmate” I have research various ‘life lessons’ on false flattery, betrayal, injustice, deceit and the hardest lesson of all of course, the lesson of love; one aspect that quickly became clear was that without exception there are most definitely two types of people in life…”Givers”….and “Takers”

Givers
“Givers” are not only generous people by nature not limited to particularly in financial terms, but they ‘give’ endless, of themselves, or their time. We can all most probably think of the “Givers” that we know and have met through our lives. We remember “Givers” with a warm heart as their kindest stays with us long after they have left. We all like to think of ourselves as “Givers”. Every women I interviewed who was searching for her ‘soulmate’ wanted to met a “Giver”.

Takers
On the other hand “Takers” are basically only interested in themselves, they only contact you when they want something and will rarely, if ever ask how ‘you’ are. They are by nature intrinsically insincere and will often display a very different persona in private to the one they show in public. “Takers” like to talk about themselves and have this somewhat unique and rather irritating technique of being able to turn any conversation, on any subject matter back to them and their needs.

Utterly ruthless, in both persistence and pursuance “Takers” chew away at the bone like a rabid dog until they get what they want.  The old adage of if you cannot say something nice then better not to say anything at all does not appear in the “Takers” mind-set. They speak negatively about people who don’t or won’t do what they want or who challenge them in any way. 

As hard as it may be to believe “Takers” are more often than not insure. They will endeavour to disguise their insecurities by being full of their own self importance, name dropping whenever possible to raise their perceived level of importance; because they like to talk about themselves they will brag about whose company they have been in, who they know and what they have done.

The bragging does not stop there as “Takers” truly do believe in their own propaganda, if they say that they are an expert, they believe it! It is rare for a “Taker” to wait for a compliment or acknowledgement of their skills because before you can comment they will have told you just how wonderful they are!

On the flip side they will compliment others; however such compliments are often regarded as ‘over the top’. “Takers” love a touch of ‘false flattery’, but beware as compliments deliver this ways will almost certainly be followed by a request for one favour or another.”Takers” are not ‘joiners’ and if they do join social or business groups it is to be seen to do so, they will rarely, if ever actively make any real contribution to blogs or debate. One of the prime reasons for this is that they find it almost impossible to ‘actively listen’.  “Takers” find it difficult to physically demonstrate that they are listening to play back their understanding of what has been said; to identify body language and gestures; to have any ability to ‘read between the lines’ and hear what has not be said and this is because “Takers” are so insular and myopic.

Charm Syndrome Man
In my novel “Soulmate” there are “Takers”, both male and female. One character in particular I refer to as “Charm Syndrome Man” or in others words a “Taker”…an ‘emotional manipulator’.  These type of people are so hard to spot particularly as they think that they are normal and don’t believe that they are doing anything wrong.  What you have to remember about “Takers” is that at the end of the day they are only really seeking your opinion in order to valid and confirm theirs. “Takers” have an inbuilt sense of entitlement in order to get their own way……… no matter what.

So if you are dating or working with somebody that talks constantly about themselves, that never really appears to be listening to what you have to say, or that is always reliant on you for some favour or other then beware as you will most certainly be dating or working with a “Taker”.

Have you met your soulmate yet…..are they a ‘giver’ or a ‘taker’?
Within the novel “Soulmate” the main character, Tillie, does find her soulmate, she also met “Charm Syndrome Man”, read her story to find out if this was a happy ending…..

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The Pretty Woman Effect

Why you should not be judgemental…..
The story of the film “Pretty Woman” centers on the down-on-her-luck Hollywood prostitute Vivian Ward, played by Julia Roberts, who is hired by a wealthy businessman, Edward Lewis, played by Richard Gere, to be his escort for several business and social functions, and their developing relationship over the course of Vivian’s week-long stay with him.

You don’t belong here
There cannot be many women out there that can fail to remember those infamous scenes in the movie, where Julia Robert’s character (Vivian Ward) walks into a shop on Rodeo Drive. The shop assistants look her up and down disdainfully instantly adopting the “you don’t belong here” attitude, making the very attractive Vivien feel extremely venerable and out of place. Vivien leaves the shop with hurt feelings and no self-confidence.

There can be no doubt that many women will identify with this. Surely in today’s world every person, every customer should be treated equally as if they were royalty in fact! It really shouldn’t matter what you, or your bank account looks like. Sadly though we see the “Pretty Woman Effect” all too often; people judging other people by the first impressions they have of them or by their outward appearances; as in the case of this movie.

Spiritually stronger
There are many people though that relishes these experiences, saying that it makes them spiritually stronger. They are of the belief that there are no such things as coincidences that every interaction such as this, everybody we meet, we meet for a reason, and that it is just a simple case of discovering what that reason is. This of course is not as easy as it might sound, particularly if you are being ridiculed like the character Vivien Ward in Pretty Women.

When interviewing women for my novel “Soulmate” several of them mentioned that they had experienced the ‘pretty women effect’ when searching for their “Soulmate”. When, as part of my research, I probed further I found that women more than men believed in this spiritual ethos. Women will readily tell you that they have experienced times when they feel alone and venerable or are alone in a room but just know instinctively that they are not alone, because they have an absolute sense of some unexplained spiritual awareness.

Through my research I discovered that the majority of people did not believe that spiritual awareness was related to any religious belief, as one might first assume; but moreover as alluded to above that it is based on the belief that that there are no such things as coincidences; as the Richard Gere’s character (Edward Lewis) explained in the film, endorsing the fact that he was meant to meet Vivien Ward (Julia Roberts), and as such they were meant to be together.

Good karma
Fascinated by this belief that everybody you meet you meet for a reason, as additional research I read other books on spiritual awareness and started to believe in this principal even greater after reading The Celestine Prophesy by James Redfield, which had such a profound affect on me that I have followed the principles within this book ever since. I also believe in “Karma Neutral”; by this I mean what you give is what you get, this belief also is partly based on my reading The Celestine Prophecy.

Although a work of fiction, The Celestine Prophesy attracts many readers because it deals with spiritualization, growth and even our reason for being here. This may at first be seen as quite “heavy stuff”; the learning though is interspersed within the story. In brief, this is the tale of a man who goes in search of ancient manuscripts in the rain forests of Peru, having been told about them by a friend. The book then follows his journey and as he finds each manuscript, he shares the insights and messages with the reader.

The Celestine Prophecy contains secrets that are changing our world and the way we think. Drawing inspiration from ancient wisdom, the book urges the reader to make connections amongst the events happening in their own life right now, which the book describes as not a mere coincidence, but a message or indication from a different energy level.
There are several insights that build on the above, below are the key ones that most of the women I interviewed resonate with:
1. Everything happens for a reason, there is no such thing as coincidence

2. We should keep ourselves open and should be ready to receive from others

3. Think about every meeting we have and be aware of the energy we give out and take from others.

So next time you experience or have a ‘‘pretty women’ moment just stop and think why it might have happened. Who is it you have met through this experience and why have your paths crossed. You never know you might meet your own Richard Gere…….your very own “Soulmate”

Have you met your soulmate yet?
Check out the novel “Soulmate” to see if the main character, Tillie, met her Richard Gere!

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